Who’s That?: Tee G Ayer
This week, the lovely Tee G Ayer joins me, with a very special message…
Proper Care and Feeding of your Writer Friend – Tips and Guidelines
Tips and Guidelines on ensuring your Writer friend receives a regular dose of social activity, not to mention the importance of food.
Social activity is important. It helps stimulate brain activity. Unfortunately, the Writer seems to have a chemical imbalance that enables her* to function on dangerously low levels of social activity. In addition, Writers also suffer from an over-production of a strange (and as yet un-identified) hormone that convinces the Writer that food is not required. In the long term these imbalances can sometimes prove detrimental to a Writer’s long-term health. Below are some activities which you could use to help care for and feed your Writer friend.
Writers possess a strange ability, also known as the power to shut out the world. This is a debilitating trait that can sometimes lead family and friends to wonder if the Writer has expired and her remains are frozen before her keyboard gathering dust and stinking up the place. When you do call, be prepared for the Writer to sound distracted- as if she’s just put milk in her steam iron, or added orange juice to her coffee.
Give her time to get into the conversation – be aware that once she has readjusted to the social nature of your call she may talk your ear off, but seriously, it’s well worth the effort. Ensure you insert at least five reminders to eat.
More often than not, the Writer does not know what’s best for her (I know, isn’t that a shocker?). Despite what a Writer may think, it is crucial for her to be exposed to fresh air and sunshine from time to time. Be aware that most Writers will shy away from such activities- they are akin to vampires in their dislike of The Out**. However, knowing what is best for the writer will give you an advantage in such a situation.
Go well prepared. Go in numbers if necessary. A crowd is much more convincing for a Writer so this will give you the upper hand in order to subdue her. Be prepared for there to be pyjama’s. The Writer’s need to work precludes the necessity to change out of nightwear, especially when gripped by the early morning urge to write down whatever crucial story developments have occurred through the night. Be prepared to wait while the Writer showers and changes, and be prepared to send her back to her wardrobe to change out of her old tracksuit and even older trainers. Demand that she prettify herself- believe me this will work wonders even if you find yourself dealing with a grumpy writer- the resistance is inevitable but will dissipate in due course, and more than likely the Writer will appreciate your efforts. Do not be afraid to be bossy, and demanding. Taking no for an answer in this situation will give you one hundred percent positive results. Also, will the promise of food.
Warning: ring up the Writer’s significant other just to check if you are not appearing on the Writer’s doorstep the day before a super-important deadline. Skipping this step may result in turning the semi-sane Writer into a babbling, hair-pulling, drooling mess, and you may have to leave in a real hurry to avoid jail time for inflicting stress induced insanity.
Bring the Mountain to the Writer
On the rare occasion that the Writer is unable to leave the house for extended periods, i.e. the next day deadline situation discussed above, I am happy to advise that there is an alternative method you can use to give the Writer a breather. If the Writer cannot go to the mountain coffee then the coffee shall cometh to the mountain Writer. Yes, my suggestion is bringeth the coffee.
Takeout coffee and sticky pastries, or just bring something chocolatey and rummage in the Writers pantry for coffee. Chocolate to a writer is like a banana to a monkey, or a peanut to an elephant (disclaimer- there are some of the Writer species to whom chocolate & coffee do not appeal, scientists are currently studying specimens of this variety to further understand this anomaly).
Knowing the Writer’s taste in entertainment will help with this suggestion. Entice the writer to leave her writing/editing cave with a movie somehow related to the novel she is currently writing/editing. If your Writer prefers to work to music, investigate her tastes and entice her out of the house with her favorite rock/pop band concert or a classical performance she would enjoy.
Again, be prepared for a little resistance but it has been discovered that anything with a link to the actual writing process is a powerful tool to ensure the Writer remains in touch with society. Also, ensure that some part of this activity includes the ingestion of food. The Writer may, on occasion, request chocolate instead. Please resist the urge to comply. Contrary to a Writers opinion chocolate is not food.
There are times, more for the single writer, where food is completely extraneous to a Writers existence. PB&J is not recommended for breakfast, lunch and dinner. One cannot survive on a diet of PB&J and chocolate. With this in mind, one of the kindest things you can do is to bring a meal to the Writer (either home cooked or takeout works just as well). You will, of course, have The Writer’s undying gratitude. She may even offer you her first born. (Warning- acceptance of this boon is entirely at your own risk as you may well know how that will end.)
Writers are human- this may be hard to believe but it is a scientifically proven fact***, do not doubt this.
Writers need to eat – use this as a bargaining tool
Writers can be flexible- sometimes they just need to be reminded
Writers have feelings- never leave a writer alone because you assume she is too busy for you, more often than not you will be wrong
Writers are strange- yes, writers are strange creatures, but handle them with care and you will never have to fear being killed off in your Writer friends next novel****
If you use any of the above suggestions in the Care of you own Writer Friend, I would love to hear from you.
* Writers exist in both male and female form. For ease of writing this article, the feminine form has been used. No offense to the male of the species is intended.
** The Out- a term created by Editor Annetta Ribken- All Hail the Cookie Queen!
*** We do not condone human or writer experimentation. No writers were harmed – either physically or emotionally- in the study.
****This is not a threat. Not really…
Thank you, Tee! Great advice I hope friends and family will take to heart 🙂